Today I am 30weeks +5 days.
Until today I’d say I’d been fairly calm during this pregnancy, my health has been fine, I haven’t had any major pregnancy worries – other than wrongly assuming I had gestational diabetes, to then find I don’t. I’ve had tiredness and swelling but haven’t had any other problems, the sickness was bearable, my back pain is reduced by the little cushion I have at work, and Phil makes me rest as much as possible. I have, however, had a huge amount of stress during this pregnancy, this weekend alone has involved having an emergency plumber out and going through more upset over other ongoing issues. But despite all that my blood pressure is fine and the baby is fine.
I’d planned on taking a nice picture and comparing the size of me on holiday at 16 weeks to today at 30 weeks. But things haven’t worked out that way today.
Today at my 31 week midwife appointment I dissolved into tears and admitted I am panicking. I’m panicked that I’m not big enough, that the bump is too low in comparison to other women and that I thought I was losing amniotic fluid.
My midwife was sympathetic, caring and kind to my concerns. After asking various questions she rang the LGI and I was asked to go to Maternity Assessment to be looked over. My midwife wasn’t overly concerned that it was amniotic fluid being lost – I’m measuring perfect for the number of weeks I am, and the baby has now turned and is head down, but she still set my mind at ease that getting checked out is the best thing to do.
Off we went, with me sat crying that I should have said something sooner, worrying that I’d harmed the baby by thinking my worries were all in my head, and I’m just being a hysterical first time Mum. Sitting waiting to be seen at Maternity Assessment was frightening, and has made me wish I’d picked to have a home birth, I hate hospitals. I was put in a bed next to a lady just starting on her giving birth journey – 2cm dilated – and only 36 weeks. That’s scared me, I’m meant to be working to 38 weeks.
I was checked out by the midwife, and told that I’m not leaking fluid, but I need to wait on some test results to see if I have an infection. She then tried to take my bloods, that wasn’t happening, so we were sent down to Phlebotomy. The poor phlebotomist was just about to go on his lunch but ended up seeing me anyway – it took him two attempts to get a vein. I have rather sore arms now from the bloods being taken, but at least I’ll finally find out if my iron is low.
I feel like a pathetic idiot who has wasted the time of midwives with better things to do, but this is the first time I’ve been through this – I have no idea what is right and wrong, and what is normal or abnormal.
The thought of giving birth is making me feel sick, I have no idea how I will get through it. I haven’t even made a birth plan yet or had any parentcraft classes, and to top things off my NCT classes were cancelled. I feel completely unprepared and very, very scared. And then when the baby does come I have no idea what I will do with it. I’m just as clueless as I was twenty weeks ago, I thought by now some kind of mothering instinct would have kicked in and I’d feel like I know what to do. But I still have no idea. What kind of Mother will I be when I’m even starting to doubt I’m capable of changing a nappy, and the thought of breast feeding makes me cry (not to mention how pissed off I’m getting with everyone telling me I MUST breast feed).
The rational side of me is saying of course I will know what to do, if I can help change an incontinent 16 year old with severe disabilities that is also a foot taller than I am, then of course I can change a baby. But the irrational side of me is shouting much louder – what if I can’t. What if I’m a useless Mum?